Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Blackadder or Star Trek Voyager. This is just a fun piece of fan fiction strictly for enjoyment. - Jean Akins -
DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND SPRITE OVER AT THE BLACKADDER LADIES CLUB
TIME: Takes place during Blackadder the Third series
SCENE: The kitchen. Baldrick is peeling potatoes. Blackadder is sipping tea.
Baldrick: Mr. Blackadder, remember last week when I told you that I saw a magical faery flying around in the garden?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. And do you remember what I told you about making up such fanciful rubbish?
Baldrick: You told me I needed to snap out of it and face reality.
Blackadder: And?
Baldrick: And that you'd be more than happy to give me a good thump to the back of my head if that's what it takes to help do the job.
Blackadder: Good. And I'd even be willing to throw in a good swift kick to the back of your trousers, too if need be. So. What brings up this subject again?
Baldrick: I just wanted to say that I was totally mistaken. It wasn't a faery that I saw last week in the garden after all.
Blackadder: Good, good. We can't have you seeing things that aren't really there, now can we?
Baldrick: No, Mr. Blackadder. Turns out it was only a sprite, not a faery.
Blackadder: A what?
Baldrick: A sprite. They look like faeries in that they're small, have papery wings and fly around, and are happy and bubbly. But unlike faeries, they don't have magical powers.
Blackadder: They don't?
Baldrick: Unless they're wizard sprites. Now most sprites are warriors, very skilled in fighting. Not that they go around looking for a fight. They'd prefer having fun, like at a party.
Blackadder: Baldrick, did you bump your head recently, or are you just begging for a good thrashing?
Suddenly a bell rings.
Blackadder: Oh, what does Prince Thickie want now? When I return, Baldrick, I don't want to hear anymore of this nonsense about sprites or faeries. Got it?
Baldrick: Yes, Mr. B. (then mutters softly as Blackadder heads upstairs) But it's true. I did see a sprite.
SCENE: Prince George's chambers. Blackadder enters.
Blackadder: You rang, sir?
Prince George: Yes, Blackadder. Do you know anything about the stranger found in my home a few minutes ago?
Blackadder: Stranger? No, sir.
Prince George: The guards found a young woman in a dazed condition wandering through the halls. We don't know how she got inside. She claims she doesn't know how she got here or even who she is. Ah, here she comes.
Two guards escort a young lovely redhaired woman wearing one of Prince George's robes.
Prince George (whispering to Blackadder): She wasn't wearing anything at all when they found her, so I lent her a robe.
Blackadder stares at the stranger. She stares back at him.
Blackadder: Sir, I've never seen this woman before in my life. I'm afraid I can't shed any light either as to how she came to be here in your home.
Sudddenly Baldrick comes running in.
Baldrick (to the stranger): There you are! Oh, dear. They found you.
Blackadder: Baldrick? You know this woman? Do you know anything about how she got inside the Prince's home?
Baldrick: Yes, Mr. B. I tried to tell you, but you got angry and didn't want to hear anymore about it. You said it was nonsense and rubbish.
Prince George: What's he talking about, Blackadder?
Blackadder: I don't know, sir. But let's find out now, shall we? Baldrick, talk. Who is this woman?
Baldrick: If I tell you, you'll only get angry and give me a good thrashing.
Blackadder: Not if you tell us the truth.
Baldrick: She's a sprite. Or she was. Until an evil witch turned her into a woman. She can't go back home until the witch's spell is broken. I couldn't just throw her out into the cold, Mr. B. So I hid her in one of the spare rooms last night. She must have woken up and wandered out into the hall. (turning to the stranger) Are you hungry, dear? I could fix you something to eat.
Meanwhile Prince George has gotten over the surprise of this stranger showing up in his home. He is taken in by her beauty.
Prince George: See here, you dogsbody! I'll decide if anyone eats anything in my home! (turning to the stranger) If you like, I'll have a huge delicious breakfast prepared and brought up for you. What is your name, dear?
The woman has been staring at Blackadder all this time, unable to take her eyes off of him. Blackadder doesn't believe a word of Baldrick's story. He is suspicious of this woman and is convinced she has an ulterior motive for being in the Prince's home.
Woman: My name? Sorry, I can't seem to remember it, or anything about my life.
Baldrick: Why don't we just call you Sprite until you can remember your real name?
Blackadder: Baldrick, we're not going to call her any such thing!
Baldrick: Well, then what do you suggest?
Woman: Please, I beg of you. Don't bicker. I feel dreadful being the cause of such turmoil here. Perhaps it would be best for everyone if I just leave.
Blackadder: Yes, that would be best.
Prince George: Nonsense! I won't hear of it. A defenseless young woman without her memory wandering the streets? My conscience won't allow it. You'll stay here as my guest until we can sort out what's happened.
Woman: You're too kind, sir. But I can't impose on you. Really, I should go.
Prince George: You'll stay. And that's final. Understand?
Woman: Well, if you insist. All right. I'll stay. But just until my memory returns.
Blackadder: Come, Baldrick. Let's return to the kitchen.
Prince George: You do that. And return promptly with breakfast!
Blackadder grabs Baldrick by the collar and drags him downstairs.
SCENE: Twenty minutes later in the kitchen of Prince George's home.
Baldrick is preparing breakfast for the prince and his guest Sprite.
Blackadder: So she told you this fanciful tale of her being a sprite and some witch casting a spell over her to turn her into a woman?
Baldrick: That's right, Mr. B.
Blackadder: And you believed her?
Baldrick: Yes. It would explain why she's no longer small and is now without her wings.
Blackadder: Oh, god. It's pathetic.
Baldrick: I like her, Mr. B. She's a sweet thing, and I really couldn't leave her outside in the cold. There. Here are their breakfasts.
Blackadder takes the trays and heads upstairs.
SCENE: Prince George's chambers. Blackadder enters and is surprised to find the prince and Sprite in bed together. They are both under the covers.
Blackadder (doing his best to maintain his composure): Sir, breakfast is served.
Prince George: Ah, Blackadder. Thank you. We've worked up quite an appetite, haven't we, Sprite? (winks at her)
Blackadder: Will there be anything else, sir?
Prince George: No. I don't think so. (turns to Sprite) Hungry for some more German sausage, my beauty?
Sprite giggles and gives Prince George a kiss. They are making lovey-dovey eyes at each other.
Blackadder leaves, a stern look on his face. He returns to the kitchen.
Baldrick: What's wrong, Mr. B.? You look upset.
Blackadder: That's only because I am. Baldrick, we left them upstairs for only a few minutes. I went up there to bring them breakfast and found them both in bed together!
Baldrick: You mean they --!
Blackadder: Well, I never actually witnessed the act, but it would be a safe bet to say that randy Prince George has shagged another one.
Baldrick: Wow. Well, she IS beautiful. I'm not surprised the prince couldn't resist her. Uh, Mr. B., why are you so upset about it?
Blackadder: Because I -- (stops himself). Odd. I'm not sure I know why I'm upset.
Baldrick: Could it be maybe you're jealous? Maybe you're attracted to Sprite yourself.
Blackadder: Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick. I don't trust that woman any farther than you can throw a turnip. I want her out of this house. There's something about her that's not right.
SCENE: Later that night. Prince George has left for an evening at the Naughty Hell Fire Club. Baldrick is cleaning the kitchen. Blackadder is tidying up the Prince's chambers. He hears someone approaching. He turns around and is stunned at what he sees: Sprite dressed in a black leather skintight Dominatrix outfit complete with spike-heeled boots. She has a riding crop in her hand.
Blackadder: What on earth on you wearing, woman?
Sprite: Do you like it? I put it on just for you.
Blackadder nervously backs away. He doesn't know what to say to her.
Sprite: You're a very attractive man, Mr. Blackadder. And when I see something I want, I go after it.
Blackadder: This is most unladylike behavior you're displaying! And what about the prince? You and he were together just this morning sharing a very intimate moment. Don't deny it.
Sprite: I never said I was a lady, Mr. Blackadder. And as for the prince, he was there, ready and willing. I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity for a great shag. But now, my attention is focused on one very handsome sexy butler.
She is face to face with him as she gives him a shove. He falls backward onto the bed. She jumps on him, pins him down and covers his mouth with hers, then kisses him passionately.
Sprite (smiling down at him): Surrender, Mr. Blackadder. Tonight you are mine. Don't bother struggling. I still have my warrior strength from being a sprite.
Blackadder (staring at her): Oh, what the hell. (embraces her and kisses her and resigns himself to his fate)
Two hours later Blackadder lies asleep in the bed. Sprite gazes at his face, gently kisses him on the lips and runs her fingers through his hair. She glances at her wristwatch.
Sprite: Darn. Time's running out.
Sure enough, five seconds later Blackadder disappears. So does the bed and all of Prince George's chambers. Sprite finds herself alone in the holodeck.
The doors open.
Ensign Harry Kim: Time's up, Sprite. Did you have a good time?
Sprite: I did, Harry. Thanks. I just wish it didn't have to be over.
Ensign Harry Kim: They all say that.
Sprite: Good job with this program, Harry. It was the best one ever.
Ensign Harry Kim: Thanks. See you next time?
Sprite: Damn straight.
THE END